


how the most dangerous thing is to love

by mindelan



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Not a pregnancy fic, Pregnancy Scares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:28:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24101335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindelan/pseuds/mindelan
Summary: Sometimes, love requires sacrifices.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 16
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from "achilles come down" by the gang of youths
> 
> inspired by [heatwave](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14659173/chapters/33865758) by [lilabut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilabut/pseuds/lilabut) and a chapter (four?) of another fic with a similar discussion that i can't for the life of me remember.
> 
> i'm sure most of you can guess what this is about from my tags – i'm not trying to hide it. this fic has been extremely difficult to write because jyn's opinions on pregnancy echo my own. it's a fear that i've had for most my life and i'm working to overcome it (this fic is in part an attempt of that). the thought of being pregnant and not being in full control of my body is terrifying, but i also know that i would do anything for a loved one even if that meant sacrificing my own comfort and wellbeing (#abandonment issues). 
> 
> i'm scared to post this and even more scared to see what y'all think, but at the same time i want to. maybe there's other people who feel the same and we can take comfort in knowing that none of us are alone in feeling this way. 
> 
> **warnings:**  
>  -unintended/accidental "pregnancy"  
> -not wanting the pregnancy  
> -thoughts of abortion
> 
> i would probably stay away from this if you are in any way triggered by pregnancy in general. no harm done. i'll see you in the next one :)

It only takes two lines on a cheap piece of plastic to break her. **  
**

It’s funny, because at first, Jyn doesn’t even understand the weight of what she’s currently looking at. The harsh fluorescent light of the bathroom makes the test blur underneath her dry, wide-eyed gaze. That means – that means she’s not pregnant, right? Two lines mean no baby? Lurching forward, she stumbles for the cardboard box sitting on the counter, chest tight as she reads the instructions on the back of the package.

Two lines. Pregnant.

No. No, that’s not right, it can’t be – _no_. _No no no nonononono –_

She has to – _fuck._ Her hands are shaking so badly that she drops the strip of plastic and barely hears it clatter to the floor. Blood roars in her ears, heart thumping. She doesn’t remember the next few seconds – she’s leaning against the counter to stay upright and then she’s curled up in the shower, knees pulled up to her chest, and gasping for air like her lungs aren’t working.

There aren’t any tears in her eyes but her vision is blurry. Hazy. It feels like she’s going to pass out. Tipping her head back and staring blankly up at the ceiling, she tightens her arms around her legs, nails digging into her skin just so she can feel something. Anything other than the building hysteria rising up in her chest, anything to distract her from her current situation. The test is just out of sight – she’d pulled the shower curtains shut to hide from it – she’s a coward, hiding from an object – not bothering to pick it up from where she’d dropped it.

Out of sight, out of mind, right? A hysteric laugh breaks its way out of her throat before she slams one of her hands over her mouth to stop it, air leaving her body in a sharp, exhaled whine. It’s definitely not out of mind. It will never be out of her mind.

It’s Cassian’s. Whose else would it be? He’s the only person she’s slept with in years, hasn’t even bothered to look at anyone else since she realized she was in love with him months before they got together. But that’s not what’s bothering her – it’s the fact that she’s pregnant. That she’s now sharing her body with some – some parasite that’s living inside of her for the next nine months. It doesn’t matter that said parasite is her’s and Cassian’s – it’s – their. . .

It doesn’t matter what it is, just that her body is no longer her body and she doesn’t like it, doesn’t like the lack of control, doesn’t like being forced to carry this for whoever knows how long and to care for it all the years after that. She doesn’t want that responsibility or that burden – she’d be a terrible mother, doesn’t know how to take care of a baby, and with her genes –

She needs to get rid of it. The thought enters her mind without shame, the gears in her head already turning as she makes her escape plan. She could make up an excuse, go to the doctor instead of work one day, and get an abortion. If she’s sick, then she’ll just say she has the flu. It would work – Cassian would believe her. There aren't any lies between them, but she wouldn’t mind keeping this from him. Lying about it. She wouldn’t even feel bad. He can’t know. He doesn’t have to know. Hope rises up in her chest, giddy and light as air.

She needs it out of her before she reaches into her uterus and claws it out herself; already, her hand shifts from her leg to her stomach, fingernails digging through her shirt to the point of pain.

A soft, hesitant knock on the bathroom door startles her out of her imagination, draws her kicking and screaming back to the present. At first, she thinks she’s hallucinating, but it persists. _Cassian._ “Jyn?”

Her mouth opens but no sound comes out. For a few seconds, her throat works oddly, bobbing up and down as she tries and fails to force herself to speak. Eventually, she gives up and shuts it, teeth clacking together and jaw clenching.

Jyn can barely hear him when he speaks again, but she’s not sure if that’s due to how quietly he’s speaking or the ringing in her ears. “Jyn? Are you all right? How long does it take to pee?” A pause, a hint of desperation enters his voice, just barely detectable. “Just tell me you’re fine and I’ll go away.”

A strangled breath escapes from her mouth. She doesn’t want him coming in – that’s what motivates her into speech. “ – I’m fine.”

She doubts he believes her, but Cassian is a man of his word; if he says he’ll leave her alone, then he will. They both need space on occasion – he probably assumes this is one of those times.

“All right,” he says quietly. Blearily, she imagines him now, shoulders hunched, ear pressed to the wood of the door. His hair is probably mussed from how many times he’s run his hand through it in worry. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.”

_What she needs is –_

What she needs is to focus and get her shit together before Cassian comes back. He’s likely already worried but hopefully won’t ask any questions as to why she’s been in here for so long. Would he believe it if she told him she’d been plucking her eyebrows? That she couldn’t respond to him earlier because she’d been concentrating so hard? Or that she’d gotten distracted and ended up peeing for longer than expected?

He would want it, she thinks to herself almost desperately. If she tells him, he’ll want it. The kid. The pregnancy. He won’t say it out loud, wanting to support her in whatever she does, but she knows that he wants kids. She’s seen him with Poe Dameron, the light in his eyes when he holds the kid and glances at her with a smile. He wants that and she can’t give it to him but if he asks her to, she will, she’ll do anything for him, she’ll do anything to keep at her side, to make him happy even if it’s at the cost –

 _Focus, Jyn._ Her hands tap a nervous rhythm on her thigh as she forces herself to tamp down her anxiety and return to the present moment. Today, this evening, all she can do is get rid of the evidence and pretend everything is normal for a few hours before they go to bed. The hardest part will be convincing Cassian that nothing is wrong – which, in her current state, she’s not sure will even be possible.

Right. Okay. She can do this. It’s not like Cassian used to be a spy or he can read her better than anyone else can or –

_Fuck._

Slowly, she lifts herself out of the bathtub. Tries to shake some of the tension out of her muscles, her face. Wishes that she’d never taken the damn test. She picks up the offending piece of plastic with two fingers and resists the urge to throw up at the sight of the two pink lines. If she throws it away here, in the bathroom or in their apartment, Cassian will somehow find it – her luck is just that bad. Her best bet is to destroy it, then toss it straight in the dumpsters behind the apartment. Then anyone in this building could be pregnant. It doesn’t have to be her – it could be anyone.

(But it _is_ her.)

She curls her hand around the test, knuckles whitening, plastic creaking from the strength of her grip. She just needs to get rid of the test and everything will be fine. The face in the mirror is almost a stranger. Not quite unfamiliar, but a distorted version of her. Panicked eyes, lip bit to the point of it being raw, hair disheveled and messy. She doesn’t do anything to fix it, just stares until her vision waivers and she has to turn away.

As she reaches for the door hand with her free hand, her knees shake, threatening to give out. Mentally, she curses her weakness. This is what’s going to send her into a panic? _This?_ When she’s been beaten, shot at, stabbed? When she’d been Saw’s best soldier in her early teens and had earned that position? _For fuck’s sake_ – she’s better than this! This is nothing in comparison!

And yet her legs still tremble.

_Coward._

“Don’t be such an idiot,” she growls underneath her breath after stalling for a few more seconds, practically flinging open the door once she convinces her fingers to move through the right motions. With her head bowed and focus only on her current task, Jyn very nearly plows into – _”Cassian?”_

“Whoa, hey!” He looks just as startled as she probably does, reaching out to steady her as she stumbles back. “I was just coming to check on you again,” he says gently, brushing her loose bangs back off of her forehead. “You okay?”

She shakes it off, stepping back. “I’m fine,” she tells him with narrowed brows. “I wasn’t even in there for very long.”

“By my count, it was nearly thirty minutes,” he scoffs. “Look, I’m not trying to pry, but – ”

“Then don’t pry,” she snaps, realizing a second later that her plan to act as if nothing is wrong is failing miserably.

“But I’m _worried,_ Jyn,” Cassian continues as if she hadn’t said anything. “You’ve been avoiding me all day. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but at least let me know if you’re all right or not.”

“I already – ”

“Be honest,” he says firmly but not unkindly. “No pretending. Not with me.” He tugs gently at the end of a lock of her hair before dropping his arm back to his side, looking almost uncertain. “You know that.”

 _No pretending._ That wrenches at her heartstrings, almost makes her break down and tell him everything, but Jyn’s always been stronger than her emotions and forces herself to stay closed off, to remain behind her walls.

“I’m fine,” she repeats as sincerely as she can but it doesn’t sound like the truth because it isn’t. She’s not fine and it’s obvious and Cassian can tell and she knows it, so she starts to shove past him to hide her face but he grabs her arm the one with the – and she’s not fast enough to – and he –

He feels the piece of plastic in her hand. He sees it when she pauses, when she opens her hand and when it’s staring back at the two of them accusingly. _He sees it._

“Jyn. . .” Cassian is a quiet man but it’s not often that he’s left speechless; she could probably count it on one hand. _He knows he knows he knows he knows he –_

The silence hangs heavy in the air between them.

“This is. . .”

“Just – ” she shoves it forward, practically pushing it into his hands until he accepts it. Her hand is clammy in its absence. “Take it.”

He flips it over in his hands, staring down at it with wide eyes. “Two lines mean. . .?”

“I’m pregnant.” Saying it out loud makes it real; a nervous laugh breaks free from her throat and she slaps a hand over her mouth to stop the hysteric giggles. Startled, Cassian’s head jerks up. “That’s what it means.”

"How?" 

"I don't know," she blurts out. "I don't know! Maybe my birth control isn't working anymore or a condom broke or it happened in the shower – " 

_Breathe. In through your nose and out through your mouth._

When he reaches out to her, she steps back, not wanting to feel his touch against her skin, not deserving to be comforted after all the things that have gone through her mind today. “Jyn,” he says gently, oh so gently, with a gaze staring into her very soul and ripping her to pieces. “Are you all right?”

“Fine.”

“You’re not – ” He reaches out again, fingers grazing her arm.

His touch burns. She jerks back, shaking her head back and forth manically, mouthing “no” over and over, wrapping her hand around the spot, nails digging into her forearm. She doesn’t deserve it. _“Don’t touch me!”_

“Okay, I won’t,” he replies, eyes widening slightly and taking a step back. “This doesn’t change anything, I’ll – ”

She could scream, desperation rising up inside of her. She wants to claw her throat open, wants to disappear into thin air, wants this to never have happened in the first place. “This changes _everything!”_

“This doesn’t change anything between us,” he’s quick to reply, taking a step forward. “Whatever you choose, I’m with you. Regardless of what you decide, I’m not going to leave you, okay, Jyn? I’m with you.”

_But will you resent me for choosing myself? Will you secretly hate me for not staying pregnant? Will that fester and grow until you can’t bear it anymore, and leave me for someone who can give you what you want?_

She feels sick to her stomach; her body itches to run but her feet remain rooted to the ground. Though Cassian’s words would normally provide her with reassurance, all she feels is nausea. Tentatively, she takes a step forward, lifting her chin slightly. Her voice wavers when she asks, “ – You promise?”

Meeting her in the middle, he reaches out and tugs her into a hug. This time, she doesn’t pull away, instead burying her face in the crook between his shoulder and neck. “I promise. Let’s not make any decisions today, okay? Let’s just get some rest.”

Tears prick her eyes because she’s so damn scared of what’s going to happen. At that moment, with Cassian’s arms tight around her back and his voice whispering sweet nothings into her ear, Jyn knows what she’s going to do. What she has to do.

_(He’s always reverent when he takes her to bed but tonight more so than usual, kissing every inch of her, spending almost an hour between her thighs as he brings her to peak again and again. On his knees, he looks an awful lot like a man worshipping a goddess, nothing but love and adoration in his eyes._

_When they’re done, he pulls her to him, her back to his chest. As his breaths even out, his hand goes unconsciously to her stomach, cradling it gently, palm warm against her skin. Holding her like she’s precious. Like they’re precious – the two of them._

_Jyn struggles to breathe. She stays awake for the rest of the night, trying to convince herself that despite her fear, nine months means nothing in the long run. One small sacrifice for a lifetime of happiness._

_She doesn’t know whether or not she’s lying.)_

* * *

“You’ve been here for almost two hours, little sister.”

Jyn scowls over her cup, eyebrows narrowing. “What of it?”

Baze nods to her empty mug. “Do you enjoy drinking air?”

She glances down, not realizing until now that she had finished her tea awhile ago. With a sigh, she sets it on the table and leans back in her chair, folding her arms underneath her chest. “It’s been a long week.”

That’s an understatement. The day after taking the pregnancy test, Jyn had called to make a doctor’s appointment. And yesterday, during said doctor’s appointment, the gynecologist had informed Jyn that she was not, in fact pregnant, and the cheap test she’d bought had given her a false positive. That all it had been was an extremely late period. For someone who has consistently had irregular cycles, she should have known better.

Cassian had been in the room with her, holding her hand. When the doctor had told them the news, she hadn’t been able to hide the relieved look on her face, how her shoulders had sagged in relief, how she could finally breathe again – before remembering she’d been pretending to want this baby.

And at the same time, she hadn’t missed the disappointment in his eyes before he’d covered it up with a strained smile. How excited he’d been. How that had broken her, all of the air leaving her lungs at one time. _I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want._

She couldn’t remember the rest of the appointment, too worried about what the consequences of her fake pregnancy would be. She’d barely talked to Cassian since, choosing to avoid him whenever she could by spending longer hours at work because _she_ knows that he had wanted it and _he_ knows that she didn’t, that she had lied.

(Funny how she’s survived gunshots without a problem but is just barely living through this.)

She’s a coward – that’s what it is. She doesn’t want to talk about what happened. If they do, surely he’ll question her about it and she doesn’t know how to explain the feelings of revulsion that come alongside thoughts of pregnancy. And even if she does manage to put that into words, how is she supposed to bear his disappointment? What if he thinks that he’s the problem, that she doesn’t want to have a family with him when she would if that’s what he wanted from her? What if he finally decides that she’s too much to put up with or - or what if he thinks –

“Jyn.” Baze raps his knuckles on the table; combined with that and the use of her name, she’s startled out of her thoughts, ashamed to notice that there’s moisture gathering in her eyes. Coward. Weak. She glances up to see him sitting across from her, his hulking body at odds with the small chair and table. “Are you all right?”

“What?” She plasters on a smile that’s too tight at the corners of her mouth. “I’m fine.”

Baze harrumphs. “I may not be as perceptive as that old fool,” he motions to Chirrut behind the counter, who’s surprisingly minding his own business even though Jyn knows he’s listening. “But even _I_ can tell you’re upset. What happened?”

“Me and Cassian,” she blurts out, suddenly overcome with the need to share what’s weighing her down. Maybe it’s the weariness from the day or Baze’s gruff attempt at comforting, but she’s just so tired. “We need to talk about something that I. . .I don’t want to talk about it. About something that happened earlier this week.”

Baze’s face remains nonjudgemental. “So you’re hiding here.”

“I’m not hiding!” she exclaims incredulously, even though she knows she is. She’s always been good at running and self-preservation and damn, if old habits don’t die hard. Cassian’s promise to stick with her through everything means little in the face of her fear. “I’m just. . .taking some time to think about what I want to say.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“And do you know what you want to say?”

Short from falling to her knees and begging him to forgive her, no – she hasn’t. It’s a difficult situation, mainly because she hasn’t done anything wrong and yet she feels the need to apologize all the same.

“I. . .” she pauses, then gives in. “I don’t know yet.”

“Well, I don’t think sitting here any longer is going to help,” he replies, not unkindly. Reaching forward to grab her empty cup, he stands, knees popping. “Go home, little sister. I suspect the captain is waiting.”

 _I doubt that,_ she nearly bites back, standing up and grabbing her bag. Her phone, having been muted hours ago, lights up with notifications once she grabs it. _Shit_. 

“I’ll see you two later,” she says absently over her shoulder as she walks out, fingers flying over her screen as she begins to compose a message back to her boyfriend.

“Text when you get home safely!” Chirrut hollers as she leaves, simply because he can’t help himself.

“I will!”

Luckily, Chirrut and Baze’s is only a few blocks away from her apartment. She’d let Cassian know beforehand that she would be home late, but hadn’t given him any more details. It’s earlier than she would like, the sky a brilliant mixture of reds and yellows and oranges. She’d been hoping to arrive home after dark and slide into their bed unnoticed, but there’s no chance of that now. She’ll have to take her chances and just pray that Cassian had a late night in the office or something.

 **Jyn [7:31 p.m.]:** be home in five

Her phone vibrates about a minute later.

 **Cassian [7:32 p.m.]:** Okay. I’ve started on dinner.

Tilting her head back and closing her eyes, Jyn curses her bad luck and mutters to herself, “Well, fuck me then!”

Though she tries to stay true to her word and get back as quickly as possible, she can’t help but take a longer route than necessary or linger out in front of their building. When she finally works up the nerve to buzz herself in, it's a few minutes later than she promised. Cassian, likely expecting it after her recent behavior, doesn’t bat an eye when she enters the kitchen. And even though she drops her bag loudly on the ground and puts her head in her hands when she takes a seat, all he says is, “I hope you’re in the mood for pasta.”

She’s always in the mood for pasta, especially whenever he decides to make it for her, but her stomach rolls with nausea instead of grumbling like it usually would. Instead, Jyn just grunts and hopes that counts as an answer.

The two of them remain in silence for the next few minutes, cut only with the sounds of pans clattering and her heavy, labored breathing. Finally, when she hears the sound of a plate thinking against the wood of the table, she looks up. . .only to see Cassian looming over her with an unimpressed look on his face. “We need to talk.”

“Do we?” she tries weakly, even though she knows he’s right.

“We do.” He takes the seat across from her, gaze blank. She feels like a criminal he’s interrogating, feels like one of his marks. “You’ve been avoiding me for the past two days. I know this has been hard on you, but – ”

Now that’s an understatement. Jyn snorts, picking up her upper body and sitting properly in the chair. “But _what,_ Cassian?”

“But I had _hoped_ we were past pushing each other away when things got hard,” he stresses, a hint of frustration in his tone. He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up. “Don’t try to deny it. You’re not talking to me, you barely sleep, you barely eat – ”

Jyn hates that she’s doing this to him, that she’s the cause of any unhappiness, but she can’t stop the bitter edge from entering her voice. Maybe if she pushes him away before she brings up the pregnancy scare, she won’t have to explain herself. “Well, it looks like we’re not past it then.”

“Clearly,” he mutters back, pushing his plate away. Neither of them moves to eat, locked in a stalemate before he sighs and says, “Will you at least tell me what I’ve done to upset you?”

Jyn blinks, not expecting that to have come out of his mouth. She doesn’t understand. “What _you’ve_ done?”

“Yes,” he growls out. “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong but it’s obvious that I’ve done something. You wouldn’t be avoiding me otherwise.”

She gapes, mouth opening and closing like a fish. This is all wrong – he’s got it all wrong. “What? You – you haven’t done anything.”

“No?”

“The problem – ” she swallows. “The problem’s with me. That I wasn’t. . .and you. . .” 

He softens, thinking he gets what she’s trying to say but she knows that he doesn’t, knows that he’s only scratching the surface of what’s been bothering her, of the weight on her shoulders for the past week. “You think I’m upset with you because you weren’t pregnant?”

 _“Yes_ – and – ”

Cassian reaches across the table before she can finish, covering her hands with his own. It’s nice to feel his touch and she savors it, knowing that it might be the last time he gets this close to her. “You couldn’t have known that the test was a dud,” he soothes. “It’s not your fault, Jyn. Of course I’m not upset.”

She nods miserably, unable to speak.

“If it really bothers you, we could. . .” he trails off, then squeezes gently. “I mean, if you want to be – ”

_“No!”_

She jumps upward, ripping herself away from Cassian and lurching away from the table. His suggestion, the thought of it – it's too much, it’s all too much. She bends over, breathing in and out of her nose as she struggles not to pass out in the middle of the kitchen. As if underwater, she can hear his muffled expletive, can blurrily make out his form as he leaps up and hurries to her side, holding her up as her knees shake.

 _“–yn!”_ she hears faintly, “Jyn, are you okay?”

“I’m the problem!” she sobs out weakly, batting him away despite his tightening grip. “I’m the problem because I don’t want it!”

For a second, time stops. Everything freezes. It’s just the two of them, one holding on to the other, her words ringing in the air until it’s silent once again.

“You don’t want – ?” he asks hoarsely. She can’t see his face. She doesn’t want to look up.

“I don’t want to be pregnant,” she tells the floor, voice wavering and breaking on the last note. Her eyes prick with tears and she dashes them away violently, hating herself for her weakness. “Ever. I don’t want to be and – I’ll – I’ll never want to be.”

He doesn’t say anything. The silence is oppressive, weighing her down; she needs to fill it with something, so she blurts out what’s on her mind, “I know you want kids so I thought – I thought maybe I would be able to bear it for you,” she hiccups, crying harder now, “but I can’t, I’m sorry, Cassian, but I can’t do it, not even for you, I just can’t – ”

Cassian hauls her up until she’s standing straight, hands cupping her face until she looks at him. She’s sobbing so much that she can barely see him, even though she knows that this will be the last time she looks at his face before he walks out on her for good. “Hey, hey,” he whispers. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” she argues, shaking her head wildly. “It’s not, it’s not – ”

He pulls her close to him, holds her tightly. It’s reminiscent of a few days ago when she’d emerged from the bathroom with a faulty pregnancy test in hand. She lets herself be soothed by him, lets him rub her back and her hair, lets him kiss the top of her head until she’s quieted, only sniffing occasionally.

“Jyn,” he starts softly, “I never want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, not even for me. Okay?”

“But I would,” she interrupts. “I would do anything for you.”

“That’s not what I want,” he replies. “I would _never_ put you through something that you hated. Sacrificing your own happiness like that. . .” he shakes his head. “It isn’t right, Jyn.”

“But I love you.”

“I know that, and I love you, too. And I’m going to keep loving you regardless of what you do, all right? I love you even though you’re not pregnant. I love you even though you never want to be pregnant. Nothing changes that.”

“But – ”

“Let me finish.” His tone is stern, but not unkind. Chastened, she nods against his shoulder and stays silent, thankful she can hide her face in his shirt. “And I’m upset that you didn’t feel like you could tell me you didn’t want it. I’m sorry that I wasn’t open enough for you to come to me.”

_He’s sorry?_

_“I’m_ sorry,” she says, pulling back slightly. Her eyes are red and puffy, but so are his. Had he been. . .? “I’m sorry that I can’t – ”

“That’s not something you have to apologize for,” he says. “There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to get pregnant. It’s your body. You get to decide what you want and what you don’t. I have no say in that. Okay?”

She lets out a shaky breath. “Okay.”

“And when I said I was with you regardless of what you decided, I _meant_ it, Jyn.” He cups her chin, brings her gaze to his. It’s intense, but she doesn’t look away; she owes him that much. “Sure, I wanted kids, but I want you more. If you don’t want to have kids, then we don’t have them. I don’t want them if you don’t want them. It’s as simple as that.”

“I was worried,” she admits softly, cracking herself open for him to see but he doesn’t run away. “Worried that you would hate me because I was relieved and you were disappointed.”

“Disappointment doesn’t cancel out love,” he says. “I was disappointed because I thought you wanted to be pregnant. I shouldn’t have assumed that we were on the same page, but you never told me otherwise.”

“I should have,” she murmurs softly, understanding now that she had been in the wrong. Cassian had been with her for so long – it would take much more than a pregnancy scare and the resulting fallout to drive him away. “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” he murmurs. “Next time, just talk to me, okay?”

“I will,” she nods, suddenly feeling drained and overtired.

“I’m sorry you were scared,” he says quietly, pulling her into another hug. They’re not clinging to each other like before, but holding each other tenderly. “I can’t imagine what you were going through all by yourself.”

“It was – tough,” she whispers, cracking on the last note. Again, she feels like crying, even if her body has no more tears to shed. “It was really hard. I was so – so _scared,_ Cassian.”

“I know,” he replies, and even he sounds choked up. “I know, love, I know. I love you, okay? And I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s the rawest she’s felt in a long time, standing here in the middle of the kitchen, swaying on her feet from exhaustion, feeling exposed and entirely vulnerable and uncertain about everything. This isn’t the last time they’ll talk about this, but both of them are too wrung out to speak, too focused on putting the pieces of them back together. It’s not the time.

But Cassian’s looking down at her like she’s the most precious thing in the universe and when she looks at him, she sees someone who hasn’t left her even once, so it’s starting to feel like everything is going to be all right.

“I know,” she repeats – because she does.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so – i didn't intend to write a follow-up/little epilogue BUT this wouldn't leave my head. i honestly truly thought that the story was done but my brain was like no. cassian pov now. and who am i to deny it?
> 
> here is a short and sweet cassian pov set a few hours after the first chapter. thank you so much for the comments and kudos on the last one, means a lot<3

_“Do_ you want kids?” 

Cassian startles awake from his thoughts, having been stuck in the place between sleep and wakefulness for the past couple hours. In the darkness, he can just barely make out Jyn’s owlish eyes blinking up at him, turning her head to face his from where she rests on his chest. After the conversation they’d had hours ago, this is one of the last questions he would have expected her to ask him. “What?” 

“You were right,” she says softly, “when you said earlier that we hadn’t talked about this before.” 

Is now the right time to be talking about this particular subject after today’s events? He doesn’t know, but what he does know is that if they keep pushing it off, there won’t ever be the right time to talk about it. Slowly, he says, “Not if you don’t.” 

She sighs, lifts her head up from where it lies. Even though he can barely see her, it's clear to him that what he said hadn't been the right answer. “We’re not talking about me – we’re talking about _you,_ Cassian.” 

“If we were to have kids, then we would both have to want them,” he tells her firmly, trying not to let any of his disappointment color his voice. He’d grown up in a big family, with an older brother and sister. He’d just always (and foolishly) assumed that he would have one in the future, too. “And you don’t want kids.” 

“I never said that!” 

He frowns, confused, thinking back to their earlier conversation. A lot of it is fuzzy, muddled by intense emotions and tears, but there are a few things that he can clearly remember. “I’m almost positive that you did.”

"I said I didn't want to be pregnant."

"But. . .you want kids?" 

He half-expects her to lie to him and say yes, but honesty is an important pillar of their relationship. He's pleasantly surprised when she doesn't. 

"Fine. I don't." 

"That's not something to feel bad about, Jyn." 

Jyn harumphs, laying back down. He can no longer see her face, doesn’t know what she’s thinking. They lay in silence for a few beats until she says, “I would do it for you. I don’t _hate_ kids.” 

He knows what she’s doing, has seen her do it at least a dozen times before. She thinks that she’s scared him off because of their earlier conversation and is now trying to placate him with what he wants in hopes that he won’t leave. His chest aches for her as he holds her tighter, saddened both by the fact that she still thinks he’ll abandon her after all this time and that she still carries this weight by herself. 

“I know you don’t hate kids,” he soothes quietly, smoothing a hand over her unbound hair. “I’ve seen you with Poe. It doesn’t matter whether or not we have babies, Jyn – I’m not going anywhere.” 

And yet – it does matter, a little bit. If he had to choose between Jyn’s happiness or children, he would choose her happiness a million times over, but he can’t deny the pang in his heart that erupts when he imagines a little baby whose features are a mix of both of theirs. Sometimes, he wants that so fiercely it scares him. 

How is he supposed to deal with this? His own want for kids and Jyn’s want to never be pregnant? He feels guilty whenever he thinks of what their family might have been like and doesn’t know why. He would never, ever force her to do anything she doesn’t want to or feels uncomfortable doing – it would destroy him. And it’s not like he’s unhappy, or feeling any less fulfilled because it’ll just be the two of them. 

He just – doesn’t know. There’s a pit in his stomach that he doesn’t understand and a lump in his throat that he can’t seem to swallow down. 

“I used to think of Saw as my dad,” she says suddenly, her hands curling in the thin material of his sleep shirt. Cassian’s breath catches; she very rarely speaks of Saw and those eight years spent in the Partisans that he’s learned to treasure every tidbit of information she passes his way. “Well –until I was smart enough not to. But I was young and had just lost my mother and my – Galen, and I. . .I wanted to be someone’s daughter again.” 

He waits until he’s sure she’s not going to speak again to share his piece. Whenever one shares a bit of their past, the other gives one in return. “When my family died, I was six. I had gone from having siblings and parents to nobody. When Draven found me, naturally I latched onto him.” A faint smile tugs at the corner of his lips. “I’m pretty sure I accidentally called him Papa once or twice.” 

“I bet he loved that,” she says wryly.

“He never said anything and I grew out of it quickly, but,” he shrugs half-heartedly, “I get it. When you lose everything you know, you would do anything to get it back.” 

She hums quietly. “This past week, I’ve thought a lot about him. I was thinking. . .what would have happened to me if he hadn’t come for me, you know? And then I thought, well – what if I could do that, too? To help someone who needed help in that way.” 

He inhales sharply, grasping the thread that she’s tugging on. His heart lurches, head spinning from the sharp three-sixty they’ve suddenly taken from their earlier conversation. “If you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids, Jyn,” he says hoarsely. “Don’t try to compromise – don’t force yourself into anything for me, okay?” 

“I don’t mean _right now,”_ she shoots back. “Look, I know that I never want to be pregnant. That’s not going to change. And maybe I'll never want kids. But. . ."

"But?"

"But when we’re old and wrinkly and there’s a kid who just lost their parents like you and I did. . .I don't know, I might feel differently.” 

He exhales slowly, something suspiciously like hope blooming in his chest. But – this isn't the time for it. “We’re not talking about this now,” he says. “Not after what happened today. We’re both too keyed up.” 

“But I want to talk about this now.” 

“We have a whole lifetime to think about this, Jyn,” he reminds her. “I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. In a few years, we’ll talk about this again, okay? Right now, I just want it to be the two of us.” 

Jyn settles back down on his chest, relaxing her tense muscles. “What you want is important, too,” she murmurs. “I wouldn’t say something I didn’t mean.” 

“I know,” he says. “And thank you for thinking of me, but this isn’t a conversation we have to have now. Let’s just focus on getting through the next few years and then see where we've ended up."

He feels her nod against him. "Okay."

"I love you, Jyn.” 

Her voice is sleepy when she replies, “Love you, too.” 

It’s both a promise of their future together and an assertion of the fact that he’s not going to leave her. With that in mind, he lays back down on the pillows, absently curling his fingers through Jyn’s mussed hair. He can’t find it in himself to be entirely free of disappointment – only time will rid him of that – but at the same time, he’s content with it just being the two of them, whether that’s for the time being or the rest of their lives. 

All he needs is Jyn and that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @[vanderlinde](https://vanderlinde.tumblr.com).


End file.
